What would a compromise look like? AWDTSG exists for a reason.

If a man harms a woman he should 100% be held accountable. Let’s start with that fact. There are reasons Are We Dating the Same Guy is so popular. One is because women find it entertaining, which is a whole other thing. But the fact that women have good reasons to be afraid of men they don’t know very well can explain the existence of the group in the first place, if not its explosive growth around the world.

I’ll try to be brief, but I’m not very good at that so here’s the TL;DR for women. I obviously can’t speak for men in general, but if I could I’d say:

If you give us back our basic human rights, we’ll try to find a way to help you avoid men who threaten the most important human right of all: Your right to live.

This doesn’t have to be an either/or situation. Provide men with the knowledge that they were accused and a way to defend themselves. Limit the amount of personal, private, information the poster can publish. These are basic human rights that can’t be taken away from all men just because “someone might” do something dangerous or illegal. This is all easier said than done, but we could start with:

Posts must be about dangerous men. Do not allow posts with any details about the man’s private life, body, etc. In fact, do not allow posts, nor replies, that don’t involve some danger to women.

In exchange, we can find some compromise on protecting a woman’s identity in cases where coming out might put her in danger. For example, there could be a mechanism to help those women explore legal options. Even if criminal options aren’t available, civil litigation can help hold those men accountable and would put something on their records, which future women can reference. In exchange for pursuing legal (or other) options, she can post anonymously. Even a police report would be sufficient.

Cheaters suck, but plenty of women cheat too. I can’t imagine men having a group to anonymously out them in such an enormous and socially accepted way as AWDTSG. It just wouldn’t fly. So let’s compromise. How about just dangerous men. Physical abusers (90% of men can’t be total narcissists). Rapists. Total creeps who stalk, harass and threaten. THOSE guys. You’d be giving up the power you now have to better predict if a guy is a cheater, and would have to go back to living life like the rest of us mortals – who just have to learn to trust until given a reason not to (and that includes your gut).

Anonymous accuser or not, the man needs to be made aware of the accusation and be given the opportunity to respond at least once.

In cases where men can provide proof of their innocence (as would have been the case in my situation and many others) moderators should be REQUIRED to review it, and to remove the offending post and ban the original posters. The moderators can be mostly women, but some representatives for men should be included to make sure that this, and other agreements, are abided by.

In short, you give us back our human rights to reasonable expectations of privacy, to know the accusation, and to defend ourselves. In return, we will find a way to help you avoid men who threaten your most basic of all human rights: The right to live.

I don’t know how this would work. Not so many men would agree to even these parameters. Truth be told, I don’t have much faith that the groups would abide by these rules since they rarely abide by the ones they have now. I think no matter what guardrails are put in place, some groups will devolve into little more than what they are now, which is toxic and dangerous gossip mills where rejected exes can ruin men who had the audacity to leave them. Still, you hold the chips, ladies. If the only two options are what AWDTSG is now, and a compromise that returns our basic human rights – as a whole, I think men would choose the latter. We’re pretty firm on the right to know and the right to respond though.